Thursday, January 9, 2014

Myths Debunked

It has come to my attention that there are many incorrect beliefs floating out there. For the good of humanity, these need discrediting.

[Note: my editorial staff removed several statements deemed "too much" for the general public. For you non-medical people, be very thankful for said staff ;)]


Myth #1: Miley Cyrus knows Molly. Heck no. She thinks she's "that cool," but has no idea. She should follow an ER nurse around for a day. Molly purports to be pure ecstasy (MDMA), but CNN reports that only 13% actually contains any ecstasy. That which does is often mixed with other drugs. So basically take a Molly if you want to play Russian roulette with your life. Seriously - people on Molly have had the most bizarre reactions I've seen since bath salts came out.

Myth #2: All Middle Easterners want to kill Americans. Good heavens, no! I have several friends in and from that area and Middle Eastern countries are quite known for their hospitality.

Myth #3: Putting things "in there" cures constipation. I was shocked to discover how widespread this one is. In short, it doesn't. Simple stool softener or laxative, folks; enema if you're desperate. Please don't stick objects up there to get something out.

Myth #4: Only other countries have crazy rules and regulations. I was hesitant to get my emissions checked today since last year I failed three times - even with a car in great condition (turned out to be some catalytic converter computer code thing). Today I failed again! I have "too clean" of an engine cycle. What?! Weirdest fail ever! "Just drive it around for a couple days then come back" was the subsequent advice.  At this point there is nothing to do but laugh.

Myth #5: If you swallow gum it will stay in your stomach for seven years. Sometimes the digestive system doesn't have the easiest time with gum, but no, it does not stay there for even one year. A couple days and it normally exits just fine.

Myth #6: The flu shot is useless. The flu shot is effective in preventing many strains of the flu and lessens the symptoms of others. The flu is deadly this year, y'all! Remember this when immunization time rolls around again this fall. [The editorial staff states that I may have been corrupted by the government and vaccine makers, but until medical evidence convinces me otherwise, I'm sticking to this one]

Myth #7: Aliens with teleportation devices may exist. Oh wait. This one's not a myth. If you're out there and can hear me, I believe...and want one of those devices...


Karen Jones said...

I am grateful for your editorial staff, whom I assume is your mom and youngest sister. I can only imagine what #3 originally was, given your propensity to think books about adavers is exciting reading.

Karen Jones said...

Make that "cadavers"

sweetpea said...

I'd like to see the outtakes! :) So, your family was featured in dream sequence the other night. We got to know Caleb as an adult and asked him if you ever had a bad day. Your mom and you, from the other room laughed. Classic!

The Hulett House

Cara said...

I can't believe he IS an adult now!!!

Ha ha, 'tis true, Aunt Karen, 'tis true :P